Reflecting on my past, as I turn 32

I shall turn 32, later this year, but I still feel like a child who just hit puberty. My little self is confused, frustrated, hypocritical and too naive to be compatible with the darkness of this world. I have never been a conformist. Of course, like most children I wasn’t aware of who I am and was pulled in a stream of consciousness, where I didn’t belong. It was only a few years ago, when I came to realise where I am truly coming from, and it wasn’t easy. It turned my world upside down. Now, I was able to see things clearly.

I may be stuck in the past, but what are you without memory? You cannot exist. In the last 5 years, I have learned to accept myself as I am and realised that everything that happens in your life is a blessing in disguise. You just have learn to navigate with the flow.

It was December 2014, when I decided to quit my job at an ad agency, where 2 weeks felt like 2 decades. I thought it would have made me happy, but it was draining me out, it was something my soul never wanted. It was whom I thought I was wanted. I started indulging in drugs and alcohol, spending time with addicts, who were not friends but people who are only seeking an opportunity to get high. Once I got broke, they never contacted me. I thanked God, as He is the one who gets me out of a situation. I am His spoiled child. We have a complicated relationship. I seek refuge in Him, every now and then, and He forgives me.

2015 had begun, and I was spending most of time in my room, as usual. My cousin was taking therapy, so I decided that I should also give it a try, because that’s what we do in our family — one person tries something new, and we all follow their lead.

By the end of January, I was in therapy. I met Nadia at a nearby clinic. She was a grown woman in her early 30s, short hair, posh accent, slightly tan and an attitude you acquire from a Grammarian school, polite but distant. At first I was taken aback, as I began speaking to her. I held the arms of the chair, tightly. My gut kept telling me to get out of there, but I ignored the impulse.

After 20 sessions, during May, just like everything else, I decided to quit therapy. This time, it was something that had to be done. I had fallen in love with my therapist and it started messing up my mind. In case, you are thinking of having a relationship with your counselor outside therapy, don’t do it, because it might just make things worse. We fall in love with a caricature of the person we’d like to see and worship it. Just when the Truth is showered upon you, the image starts to fade away, and your pain surfaces, leaving you completely shattered.

Although, I was going through grief, this experience had initiated my healing. I was meant to meet her and release all the baggage that been piled on and rotten for years. I purged for months. I went through phases of anger, denial, indifference and finally acceptance. I believe she is a karmic soul mate, who came in my life to heal a part of me that I had been neglecting since childhood. I felt as if I was mourning the loss of my soul.

During the grieving period, I started discovering my spiritual gifts and met my soul tribe on Facebook. It was quite surprising and comforting to know that millions of people were going through similar experiences. The universe was guiding us where we needed to be. After going through intense healing and support from my new friends, I felt alive after years, even though my sensitivity had become heightened, due to the awakening process. In mid January 2016, I saw her at a carnival, she just passed me by, and I looked at her with detachment. Almost all the feelings had been washed away, but a sudden nauseous feeling, reminded me that what I had been asking for, was not for me. We are usually attracted to people or behaviours that tend to be harmful for us, because we have not learned to respect ourselves as children. We treat ourselves the way our parents treated us and the pattern continues.

I still had not gotten over her, but life had to drag me on a new adventure. This time I tried to run away, but the person who gave me a lift on his bike, convinced me to go back home, and I did. After a few months, I went to Baltistan, a province of Pakistan, located in the Northern region, near the Himalayas. The fresh air, lush greenery and tall mountains, took me in another realm. I spent a couple of weeks in a village called Surmo, near the Indian border. It was all quite overwhelming for me, but the change gave me a high that I cannot explain. It is a feeling when you are parachuting, and look at the world you have left behind, which seems unnecessary. All you want to do is enjoy this brief moment of liberation and soon prepare yourself to return to Earth, and so I did.

It is a universal law, that. anything that goes up, must come down. I started having troubling settling in the remote areas and got quite sick. Soon, I took a flight, and returned home within a week. I discovered that I was suffering from severe jaundice. Perhaps, this too was a blessing in disguise. Sometimes we think we know what we want, but the Universe knows what we need, therefore it is always best to surrender.

2017 had begun, I had successfully recovered from the disease and now started writing my stories. It is my escape. The only thing that gives meaning to my existence, contemplating and writing. My search for Truth, continued, and I started reading and watching videos of philosophers and gurus, such as, Jiddu Krishnamurti, U.G Krishnamurti, Alan Watts, Ramana Maharshi, Meher Baba and Nisargadatta Maharaj. It was quite a trip and helped me sail through time and space, with ease.

By 2018, I was attracted towards Orthodoxy. I felt deeply inspired by Christian mysticism, that spoke about ‘the Way of the Heart’ and ‘the acquisition of the Holy Spirit’. Reading about the life of Saints really touched my soul and motivated me to keep going, with faith and humility. The infidel inside of me, would sometimes think of converting and living in a monastery, or become a Sikh, and become a kundalini yogi, like many goras (white people) in the West. Finally, I settled with nothing. Turning within gave me peace that I had been looking for. Of course, it was temporary but felt like eternity at that time. Pure ecstasy. I could feel God’s presence everywhere. There was nothing but Light — a vibration so high, that you couldn’t hear the noise of the world. It all vanished. I was in touch with my Self, and that was enough, as I wasn’t looking for anything more. There is nothing beyond infiniti.

In 2019, I was taking care of my grandfather, who was suffering from alzheimer’s and cancer. It was painful to see him going through years of misery. He was now completely bedridden and was prepared to leave his body, which he did on 14th of February.

It’s hard to believe that time has flown so quickly, as if all those experiences never happened. I keep reminding myself that it is only a dream, although everything seems to be stationery. Now, this dream feels more like a recurring nightmare, as I wake up every day, trying to tolerate my family and do something meaningful with my day.

This too shall pass

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